Friday, September 28, 2012

the healing powers of raw meat...

As I was searching to find play food for Jane, I stumbled across a strange item...bacon bandages!  I thought it might make a funny gift for Caleb, as he loves him some bacon, but before I could buy, I had to do my customary review check.  I was delighted with the reviews (I happen to think that witty product reviews make fantastic entertainment).

I picked out a few of my favorites.  Enjoy.

"I picked these up on an impulse, tired of sporting Dora and Strawberry Shortcake bandages over my manly shaving-related mutilations. Just an impulse, good for a few chuckles, but I'm glad I did.

I like these bacon bandages. I love bacon, it makes everything tastier. You ever have scallops wrapped in bacon? Or, where I grew up, we had the francheezie, a quarter-pound dog, split up and filled with cheese, and wrapped with bacon. I love the idea of garnishing myself with bacon, and all it symbolizes. To my kosher cousins, the bacon serves as a slight, a defiant declaration that I will not be laden down by dogma and delusion. To my vegan brothers and sisters, the bacon is a visible symbol of my dishonor, a white-meat scarlet letter confessing my lack of grit: "I'm with you in spirit, comrades, but the flesh is weak."

I'm so fond of these band-aids that it's a little bit of a downer when my wounds heal up. I eagerly anticipate paper cuts. I'm actually contemplating getting a bacon tattoo. Let me know what you think."

"I thought this was going to be a fun item but boy had I thought wrong. The product arrived as promised, looked like bacon but little did I know that it was cursed. Shortly after the bandages arrived, I rolled my ankle on an acorn & fell hands and knees first on the sidewalk. "Good thing I have my new bacon bandages", I thought. I applied the bandages to all of my affected areas as directed and headed back out to face the world like a walking meat cooler.

About three blocks from home I saw this real sketchy looking guy standing by a dumpster naked. So I pulled out my cell phone to get a picture to Tweet and this crackhead guy come running at me! I tried to hit send & run at the same time, but considering my prior injuries, it just wasn't going so good. This guy must have been on bath salts or something because when he caught me, he tried eating my knees & hands. I guess the bacon looked too real. Luckily another naked guy on bath salts tried to get my bacon bandages too, and they started fighting each other which gave me my out.  
I ain't ever wearing bacon bandages again."

"What's wrong with using raw meat to cover your wounds? This is a poor imitation of the actual healing properties of bacon."

"This thing may seem like a cute little novelty item, but it can ruin your life. I being a very big bacon fan thought it was pretty cool and ordered myself a box. Well low and behold I get a cut on my forearm and decide to use it. I start my day of work and everything goes well, I get a few laughs from my coworkers and I think nothing of it. Well come after lunch we have a meeting with a big client for our firm, I being a junior member was not supposed to be in the meeting. However after they decided to bring the client to my desk because apparently we graduated from the same University, that's where everything went wrong. I got up to shake the woman's hand, extended my arm, but she didn't take it. Instead she stared at my forearm for an awkward moment or two. Then she looked up at me with this venomous glare and spit at me. She screeched at me about offering an unclean hand to her and that the band aid was terribly offensive. I apologized to her profusely and pleaded to her playing the Alma mater card. She had none of it. And continued to scream, and finally stormed out the building. My supervisor fired me on the spot... well after a 30 minute rant about how I had lost the company 25 million dollars. Also it makes you entirely too hungry all day."

"These bacon bandages are so realistic that they may cause secondary injuries. I applied a bacon bandage to moderate cut on my left thumb and within 2 hours, 4 people attempted to bite me. These bites required more bacon bandages, which, in turn , were responsible for more bites. The amount of bites per bandage applied rose exponentially to the point where I may die from blood loss. I am in desperate need of some liver and onion bandages as these would be appealing only to geriatrics who would be easily fought off."

Thursday, September 20, 2012

before and after, the first...


We are finally in our house!  It has been a rough road getting here, but we are happy.

This house is a fixer-upper, and Caleb and I have all sorts of plans for it.  I'll tell more about the whole home-buying story later, but I wanted to keep up on before and afters since I'm addicted to home renovations (I might be HGTV's biggest fan).

Due to the enormity of the task at hand, my first two projects were the kids' rooms.  These rooms were much more manageable than the rest of the house and only required some paint and decorations, so I put my first efforts into them first.  At least this way I have something that is finished.  Or close to it.

Jane's room:  before

Jane's room:  after

Asher's room:  before

Asher's room:  after


I still have a few tricks up my sleeve for these rooms, but if I wait until every last detail is finished, it might never get done.  Now hopefully I can get moving and keep finishing rooms.  Slow and steady, right?

back in business...

After getting a blank screen every time I tried to post the past couple of months, we finally set up our extra laptop in the office and...success!  Or semi-success, I guess.  See, this laptop is called our "extra" for a reason:  it has issues.   One of them being the battery works not at all, so it has to remain plugged in.  It also overheats and is really slow.  All of these things = not a problem.  However, it freaks out (aka shuts off completely) any time any type of foreign port or driver (if those are the right terms) is introduced.  It cannot be connected to a printer, external hard drive, or memory card.  The only way to share documents is to email them.  <sigh>

But for now, it will have to do.  I will email myself pictures and blog away.  When possible.  Which just so happens to be 12:08 am on a Thursday.